Understanding Domestic Abuse

  How You Can Help

Signs of Someone Being Abused
If You Suspect Someone is Being Abused
If Someone Tells You They are Being Abused

 

Signs of Someone Being Abused*

• Person has noticeable bruising and lacerations that may be explained away by clumsiness.
• During conversation the person may make statements about her life that indicate isolation, intimidation, threats, emotional abuse or controlling behaviors are occurring in her relationship.
• Partner is destroying property or abusing pets.
• Partner reads or monitors emails and phone calls including passwords, codes, or PIN numbers
• Partner insults, humiliates, or calls the victim inappropriate names.
• Partner is preventing victim from keeping a job or from attending school.
• Partner controls the finances and makes the victim ask for money or withholds money altogether.

* Some behaviors and attitudes indicate an abusive relationship. The presence of any one of these behaviors or attitudes does not always mean abuse is present in the relationship.

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If You Suspect Someone is Being Abused

Don’t confront the person. Instead, try to casually share information, show that you’re open to talking about this social issue, and keep information about domestic abuse on hand. Things you may want to consider:

• It may not be safe to give obvious domestic abuse information to someone being abused – unless the victim requests it.
• Use conversation starters, wear ribbons and buttons to show you are open to the topic. In a casual way, discuss an article you read or speaker you heard discussing abuse.
• Don’t assume a domestic abuse victim is willing to talk about the abuse with you or others. The victim may prefer to discretely pick up a brochure.

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If Someone Tells You They are Being Abused

Be supportive and non–judgmental, and help the victim find appropriate resources. There is no one right thing to do – each situation is different. Trained domestic abuse advocates can help discuss safety and options.

• Listen and believe the victim. You may be the first person the victim has told – or the first supportive person that he or she has told. Allow the victim to share feelings. Offer positive feedback and ask how you may be most helpful. Respect the victim’s privacy and decision not to share experiences with everyone. Let the victim know that the abuse is not his/her fault.
• Encourage the victim to talk to a local or national domestic abuse advocate. Shelters offer more than shelter – they have specially trained advocates who offer confidential services. Most offer free and anonymous services, support groups, children’s programs and legal help.
• If you’re not sure how to help, call your local hotline or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for suggestions. Foreign–language translation assistance is available.
• Learn more about community resources. If you are unsure of what to say or how to help, call the domestic violence hotline in your community or the National Domestic Violence Hotline to discuss strategies and options. Learn about community resources, obtain additional information about abuse, and share information that will help the victim expand his/her support network to include specially trained domestic abuse advocates in the community.
• Acknowledge the victim’s efforts to survive the abuse and the victim’s courage in reaching out. Don’t impose your opinions about what you think the victim should do – he or she knows what’s most appropriate and safe.
• Do not judge or criticize the victim. Respect the decisions survivors of abuse make about their safety, even if you do not agree with the choice. Ending an abusive relationship is difficult. When a survivor trusts you enough to confide in you, support him or her. Do not say “I told you so” or judge the abuser. Criticizing creates distance between you and the victim. Share your concerns in a nonjudgmental and proactive manner and focus on helping him/her be safe.
• Ask how you can help. Do not assume that the decisions you would make for yourself are safe or helpful for another person. Ask what you can do to be supportive and help protect his/her safety. Any support and encouragement you offer can make a difference.
• Be patient. Trust that the victim is making the best decision.
  The process of leaving often takes time, resources and support. Sometimes it’s unsafe to leave – and could be dangerous. Know your limitations. Set limits on what you can do, while helping the victim find additional support.

*Adapted with permission from the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence

 

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